My Pillars are Falling; Coping with the Loss of a Loved one.

Who are our Pillars?

I like to think of life as one big construction site. As we build our lives, there are pillars that stand firm and support us. They provide, strength, love, advice, attentive ears, prayers and even financial help. They are what we like to call our “ride or dies.” Most pillars are through blood relations but some are garnered through friendships.

For those of us who were blessed to have pillars in our life, they are the truest version of a gift. They are the people we did not have to audition for. Authenticity was easy, as we did not need to impress them. Pillars are often the building blocks of a family, the glue, that makes everyone stick together. A personalized team of well-wishers, who hold their hands up constantly in prayer for you. They are the people that literally held our necks up, our backs straight and held our hands as we learned to walk. Before we loved ourselves, our pillars loved us. In a world where everything is replaceable and often traded in for a newer or better model, these are people you could never upgrade.

When your Pillars Start to Fall

It is true, death has no specificities, it impacts everyone. However, most of my pillars are older and within the last couple of years, three of them passed away. Like many people, who have lost their loved ones, I was devastated. There is nothing new or profound about death. We hear about people dying on a daily basis, we learn about death constantly in our history classes and it is all over the news. Yet when someone you love passes away, you feel so alone.

The thought of living my life, without these people standing beside me is daunting. For most of my life, I lived to make them happy and proud. All of what I accomplished mattered, because they are there to share in my moments. The realization they gone, is one of the saddest feelings I ever experienced.

My Pillars Fell: Starting the Healing process…

Feel the Pain…

What I know for sure is, we must allow ourselves to feel the pain. Allow our eyes to cry. To indulge in the raw emotion because that is part of the grieving process. Many people turn towards alcohol, drugs or prescription medication to mask the pain, but feeling will lead to healing.  When I lost my uncle, a man whose love can only be quantified as that of a grandfather. I struggled with his death because he was not old or weak and I did not mentally prepare for his departure. The loss was deep and the pain was agonizing. I felt it and I allowed myself to cry. I released the tension within me, I replayed my memories. I mourned him and I felt raw, humbled, and real. I felt scared and his death changed me. By feeling the emotions of his death, I was able to honor his life. The truth is, when you love someone so deeply, you will never get over them. So, stop trying. They take a piece of your heart with them.

Honor their Lives…

I find comfort in honoring my pillars. I reflected deeply on their characters and the things, I loved the most about them. Then I follow them in my daily life. To honor my grandfather, I started reading more. He was always well read and knew what was happening in the world. He was able to connect to others because of his knowledge. My grandmother brought people together through her cooking. My husband and I started to cook more, and share our love through food. My uncle never left a conversation without professing his love. I felt his love, and I want all those who share in my presence to feel my love. My pillars live on, in my actions, words and thoughts.

Stay off Your Phones/Social Media…

We are so caught up in how other people perceive our life, we forget to live in the moment. It is really hard to be present, when our minds are preoccupied with a virtual world. It is the greatest barrier to human experiences because others can feel your divided attention. Once a person is consumed with capturing the perfect shot or vlogging a moment, it changes the experience for all parties. People can feel your lack of connection and attention. As a mom, I do not want to be consumed scrolling through the Instagram and miss out on my children’s milestones. The roles will be reversed one day, and it will hurt when they are too consumed with their phones to listen to me. We cannot walk around living for the “likes” and losing out on the love we can create by being present.

Do Good in Their Name…

In Islam to honor the lives of those who have passed, we also give money or do charitable acts in their name. I am committed to doing small and large acts in their names. Planting a tree, building a well, in impoverished areas or donating money to build a school are a few examples. Their time on earth has come to pass but all of what they taught others continues to live on. I am strong because they hold me up.

Love and Live in the Moment…

When I was younger, I did not realize how, fleeting time can be. I cherish my memories but I took for granted the time I had with my family. I wish I knew, I would never listen to my uncle sing, hear my grandfather’s jokes or conversate with my grandmother again. I would have listened a little closer, hugged them a little tighter and cherished each moment little more. Our lives are ever evolving and each new year brings many new changes and responsibilities. But I know, living is only worthwhile if you able to share love. I try to instill in myself and my children, to fully engulf ourselves in each moment. Our road trips, dinners, snuggles are so precious because I am aware now.

Take Away…

Despite losing some of my pillars, they stand strong everyday within me. My belief in God, has led me to have lips and a heart that prays until we meet again. I am deeply grateful to have had the honor of knowing them learning from them and being loved by them