Balancing a Third Pregnancy, Family Life, Doctor Visits and Career.
Just when I figured out how to manage two kids, a third one literally swims into the mix. With a stir of emotions, acceptance was a natural reaction. After all it is a beautiful blessing, sent to us from G-O-D.
Family Life and Personal Experience
However, I quickly learned this pregnancy was going to be very different from my previous two. I had a lot more balancing to do and not enough time in the day for all of it.
Trying to do it all, left me with a lot of anxiety. Sleeping like a teenager in the first trimester ceased to exist. Most of my nights were consumed with fear and stress. I knew this was really unhealthy for myself and the baby growing inside of me. I needed to control my overthinking.
A Far Cry from My First Pregnancy:
When I reflect on my first pregnancy, I spent most of it in bed and relaxing. Quelling my cravings and always reading about what to expect. My second pregnancy hit me like a bad case of whip lash, though I would feel sleepy, naps were harder to come by. My son was two, he had a schedule and I was already used to sleep deprivation. I knew what to expect as my first pregnancy and second was not that far apart. I was still in the changing pampers and nursing stage.
I honestly, did not know what to expect in my third pregnancy. I thought it would be easier, after all my children were older and attending school. They had a strict bedtime, used the bathroom independently for the most part. I could not have been more wrong. Small children, small issues. Big children, bigger issues.
Wait…We All Have a Schedule?
My children had to follow a strict schedule, that consisted of early bed times, drop offs and pickups from school. At home we were constantly preparing for test, projects, book reports. Not to mention preparing healthy meals and snacks. Ironing uniforms and preparing for theme days throughout the school year. Pajamas, funny hats, favorite super hero and the list goes on and on. The concept of balance transcend itself onto your children as well. Isn’t it the goal of every millennial mom to create a well- balanced child? Naturally, one day out of the weekend is spent on some type of physical team activity. Somewhere in between all of that is food shopping, cleaning, laundry, family time and “rest.” I am not even going to mention all the hiccups we did not account for.
Career
Being pregnant is not a disability but it does alter one’s physical abilities. As your body goes through many changes, it is hard to compete with what you were able to accomplish before. My pregnancy is full of nausea, intense back aches, restless legs syndrome and sleepless nights. I have been blessed to work with people that are empathetic. However, responsibilities are still the same, though it does take me a lot longer to accomplish my goals. There are laws to protect against pregnancy discrimination as it remains widespread. One cannot ignore the silent pressure, to upkeep one’s appearance, wear heels and answer every “how are you?” with “Great.” After all who really wants to listen to “Debbie the Downer?”
The Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978 (PDA) does guarantee, that a woman cannot be fired or have their hours cut due to pregnancy. Though the recent statistics do not support the verbiage of this law. In fact, women are continuously discriminated against in the work field and often in a disguised manner.
As my pregnancy progressed, I slowed down. I was sleeping much less and my body and mind were in constant collision. There are many things, I wanted to do but my body would not cooperate. The truth is, everything started to hurt. The way I walked changed, my hormones were constantly fluctuating and my brain at times felt foggy.
Doctor
My journey towards confirming pregnancy started in my obstetrician’s office. When I walked in, the nurses were somewhat in shock. “You are back again?” “How old is the second one?”
The customary, “Congratulations!” ceased to exist. After having a boy then a girl, most people presume you are done. It is easier to focus on two children, and still aim for “perfection.” Hotel rooms are much more accommodating to families of four. So needless to say, we are brain washed as a society to be the quintessential family of four. Having more children in our society, renders one to feel like a rare commodity.
I am not against doctors or “modern,” medicine at all. However, most anxiety I felt and took with me occurred at my doctor’s office. The invention of new technology meant that doctors can see things, that we were not privileged too, many years ago. Every detail, is revealed through sonograms. Which seems amazing, after all knowledge is power. But here is the scary part, they are not always right and misdiagnoses are norm. Confirmation for any “issues,” can only occur once the baby is born. Doctors are diagnosing pictures and not necessarily problems. So, you spend so many months or weeks terrified of what could possibly be. As if carrying a baby, hormonal and physical changes are not enough. I had to have a special calendar for all my doctor appointments which consumed a lot of my time.
How to Deal?
During the Paleolithic times, humans were nomadic and traveled in clans. Then man started to settle down and thus leading to development of civilization. As human’s progressed a lot has changed. However, the ancient African proverb was relevant in the past as it is in the present. “It takes a village to raise a child.”
There are many stages of pregnancy and some of it will make one feel helpless, emotional and physically inept. It is important as women to take the help of the village to get through this time period. Do not let your arrogance or pride get the best of you. Ask for help, utilize the service of friends and family members. It is perfectly fine, to “use” the services of others. Look for opportunities after you have delivered to return the favors, to those who have helped you in your time of need. Women have been doing it for centuries. Do not feel, less than because you are not able to complete tasks as well as other mothers. Use your village. When anxiety or the stressors are overwhelming, phone a friend. Don’t worry about complaining too much or constantly being in a state of panic. Sometimes it is a calming voice at the end of the phone that can talk you through your emotions. Find that person and utilize them.
No Village, No Problem.
If you do not have a village, then pay for one. Use the services of others to get through one of the hardest and most blessed times of your life. It could mean you are tapping into your savings but your sanity and health is priceless. Companies outsource all the time to meet their quotas.
Find a podcast, lecture or self-help book, that can get you through this time period. Your feelings are real and should not be dismissed. Otherwise your mental health will suffer. What one focuses on will grow, learn how to diverge your thoughts and work towards creating a positive mindset. This is a process and you will need the help of someone to get you there.
Reclaiming your Time
One of the things, I did during my third trimester is reclaim my weekends. After a long work week, I could not support or cheerfully show up to my children’s games. My husband took complete charge of the sports. Eventually, we took a season off and opted to wait until the baby was born, before my children returned to their activities. Good parenting is not always keeping your children busy, sometimes the lesson is in the sacrifice. It was also an opportunity to teach my children to be grateful for what they have and understand that we have to make alterations in our lives for others. Initially I felt incredibly guilty but children are resilient. They also do not over think or analyze as much as we do as parents. They adapted and never asked once when they would start playing again. I am sure, they enjoyed having the free time as well.
I am really careful of how I want to utilize my energy because it is limited. This can mean, not accepting every invitation. Saying “no,” is a lot easier when I am pregnant. When it comes to your career, it is important to accept your limitations and work to the best of your ability. Nothing is worth, risking your health and that of the baby.
I am the mom, that feels guilty when I am not spending my free time with my children because I work. I have completely accepted this chapter in my life and I do not need to go out multiple times a week but every once in a while, it is nice to spend time with my besties. It helps me to clear my mind, make silly jokes and reconnect with real women. Missing my children, means, I can listen more attentively when they speak and be more present when we are together.
Hubba Bubba
I also opted to spend, more time with my husband. Our relationship, definitely suffers as we try to balance our family life and career. I want to make sure we are emotionally and mentally solid as we expand our family. I have learned through my other pregnancies, we will never be on the same page when it comes to carrying a baby and going through the process of gestation. However, I can make a solid attempt to be more rationale and he can definitely try to steer me through this process. Back rubs are essential and sneaking away to enjoy some time alone is necessary to keep connected. It is the small things that count a lot, texting throughout the day and checking in with positive words and calming reminders. Being each other’s solid support system. This does not always occur throughout my entire pregnancy, it is such a long time to be on the same page. Pregnancy lasts, approximately 280 days. There is no way, I could be the center of his attention or world for such a long time period. If I am keeping it really real. I try to manage the arguments and return to this place, as fast as I can.
Living Your Truth
The reality is, our lives do not always match the story we have created for ourselves. There is something about pregnancy and nesting that magnifies our truths. We may not always like the direction of our lives. However, the truth is, life has started. Whether it is the way one has pictured it or not. Frustration and negativity only breed and manifests into our thoughts and actions. What I know for sure, is that I can only control myself and make the best out of my situation. Focus on one thing at a time and work towards creating that change.
I have been tested with doctors’ reports, that have made me worry a lot. Existing in that space is not healthy and with time their diagnosis has changed. Take it all with a grain of salt and remember that, their knowledge is also limited. Babies are always changing and growing.
There will always be people who let you down, when you need them the most. That too is part of growth and learning who you can count on. It is important to learn who your tribe is.
I used this time to create a consistent relationship with God, during my highs and lows. Exercising gratitude and watching the things I pray for come true. Reminding myself to count my blessings and not my downfalls. This is a work in progress.
